Living, Learning, and Losing
by JamesMFan
Summary: Sequel to REUNION. Angel and Spike are newly human. How will they cope with it? How will Buffy cope with it? And, now that everything has changed, who will she choose?
1. Awake

**Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, unless you don't recognise them in which case they probably do. Spike, Buffy, Angel, the Cheese Guy (not that he's in this...or IS he?) etc all belong to Joss Whedon and I don't want them. No way. **

**Summary: Sequel to "Reunion". If you haven't read that, you probably should. Angel and Spike are newly human. How will they deal with it? How will Buffy deal with it? And, now that things have changed so drastically, just who will she choose to be with?**

**Living, Learning, and Losing**

Spike sometimes wondered if he had imagined his whole life. It was beyond extraordinary, it was fantastical. A poetry geek saved from Victorian England to live his life as a big, bad, mean vampire who lived over a century long, got a soul and fell in love with a tiny little blonde girl know as the Slayer. The stuff of fairytales. Of course, he meant the proper fairytales. The dark ones. Not the ones all sugared–coated and brightened up for the little'uns.

There was nothing bright about his life.

Nothing but one girl in all the world.

Spike could hear her voice as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Could feel her small hand gripping his own. Couldn't stir himself awake, though. Far too exhausted. Just needed some rest. After he slept he'd be fine. Buffy would be there, and she'd smile, and he'd smile and then it would all be fine.

It didn't matter that he couldn't feel his legs. It didn't matter that the sharp, throbbing pain in his head was threatening to burst some blood vessels in his eyes. It certaintly didn't matter that his lungs were burning, even though he hadn't felt any sensation from them in years.

As long as she was alright, he was alright.

Spike held onto that thought as he let himself slip entirely into the darkness.

* * *

_A week later_

Buffy walked through the doors into the hospital. The bright sunlight from outside followed her in for a few moment before the heavy metal doors slammed shut behind her. The Slayer walked briskly down the corridor.

The nurses at the station knew her by now, having seen her every day for the past week. They had persuaded her to go home for a little while to sleep and shower. Well, not so much persuaded as threatened. They had said if she didn't go home for a little while they'd ban her for seeing them. Buffy had, of course, threatened to pound their heads in.

The nurses didn't like her much. Nevertheless, they beeped her in without a word and she hauled the security door open, slipping through silently.

It had been Dawn who had actually persuaded her to take a short break from the bedside vigil. She had promised to keep a close eye on both the vampires. Except...they weren't. They weren't vampires anymore.

They were human.

Buffy still hadn't fully comprehended that yet.

Now, filled with renewed vigour from her two hours sleep, in an actual bed, and the hot shower, Buffy was ready to take up her place perched between the beds of the two men that meant most to her.

She paused outside of the door to the room, took a moment, a deep breath, then entered. Dawn was still there, as promised. She was looking out of the window, seemingly in deep contemplation.

Spike and Angel lay in their beds at opposite sides of the small, sparse room. Both still asleep. They hadn't woken since it had actually happened. The doctors had assured Buffy that neither were in a coma. In fact, the deep sleep thing was good. It was helping their bodies cope with the drastic change of going from being the undead to the not-so-undead.

The hospital was owned by Wolfram and Hart; they had had both mystical and regular doctors checking them over. All they could tell them was that they would wake up when they were ready.

Angel and Spike had started out in different rooms, private rooms. The nurses had decided it was better to move them into one room when they got fed up of Buffy constantly dashing between both rooms.

It wasn't just her, of course. The other's had visited. Nina had kept Buffy company for many a night. With the two blonde women sitting close to their respective boyfriends, a bond of sorts had grown. Buffy liked her. She was nice; they had even managed to make each other laugh a few times. It was still a tentative friendship, forged over a crisis, but it had kept Buffy sane for the first few days.

Angel's friends had stopped by a lot too, but they still had Wolfram and Hart to run. After the Kraal invasion there was a big clean-up needed. The plan to destroy the law firm was put on hold until Angel was back on form.

Buffy glanced over at the dark-haired man. She wondered when he would wake up. Being the CEO of Wolfram and Hart, the company had had a fair bit of trouble after he was made incapacitated. Several sects of demons, and such, had tried to take over seeing the lack of a leader as the weak link they had been looking for.

It had been decided that Wesley would act as CEO until Angel was up to it. If he ever was.

She let her eyes rove over his peacefully sleeping face. His hair was tousled cutely by the pillow, strands sticking in all directions, his eyelashes fluttered briefly as if he were about to open his eyes. Buffy didn't get her hopes up. She'd made that mistake a _lot_ over the past week.

"Hey," Dawn said softly, finally noticing her sister "That wasn't the five hours we agreed"

Buffy shook her head slightly "As if I could sleep for five hours. You're lucky you got two"

She sighed "Fine, fine. Nothing new. Both still sleeping as soundly as newborn kittens"

"Yeah, I bet they'd love that comparison" Buffy laughed, softly.

The Slayer turned and walked slowly over to Spike's bedside. She looked down at him, he was sleeping contently. Buffy wanted to slip under the covers and snuggle next to him. As it was, they weren't encouraged to get too close. Any infection, even a common cold, could drastically affect their now very-much-needed immune system. They'd even been put in quarantine for a short while.

She reached out and brushed a stray lock of hair from his forehead, "How's my guy been?"

"Little restless," Dawn told her, coming up to her side "Like he knew you'd gone"

Buffy spoke to her sister, but her eyes remained on Spike "Maybe he did. Maybe he's aware of everything. The doctors said it was a possibility"

She looked him over. His brow was creased slightly, as if he were worried. His hair was curling softly over his forehead; she could see his chest rise and fall. It was bizarre. This man, who had always been the very epitome of vampire, was now human. She wondered how he'd cope. He'd probably scoop her in his arms, kiss every inch of her, and want to dance in the sunlight. Buffy smiled just thinking about it.

"...Buffy..."

She froze. It took her a moment to fully process who that voice belonged to. The Slayer turned slowly, disbelieving. Yet it was true.

Angel was awake and he was looking right at her, with his hand outstretched.

**A/N: Feedback be nice.**


	2. Confused

**A/N: Thanks for all the review and keep 'em coming. Angel's gay? Really? Heh. **

Buffy rushed forward towards Angel and took his hand, grasping it tightly. The first thing she noticed was his skin was warm; the second thing was that his grip was very frail. She looked into his scared and confused eyes.

"What's...what's going on?" He asked his voice raspy from lack of use.

She paused, unsure of how to explain so she just went with brutal honestly "You're human now"

Angel's eyebrows rose "Oh"

"Oh? Oh? That's all you've got to say?" Buffy smiled a little "Always was a man of few words"

He gave her a shaky smile back "Except this time I really am. A man, I mean"

Buffy's smile grew into a grin. Angel smiling was such a rare treat she had to savour every moment of it. Not to mention the sunlight from the window that was flooding down over his bed. He seemed to notice that at the same time and tried to turn to see the sun. He let out a wince and Buffy moved him gently back to a lying position.

"Take it easy," She said "You've got plenty of time for all that"

Dawn appeared at the side of her "Yeah, hey you can get a tan! I bet you'd look great with a tropical glow about you"

Angel frowned "I thought pale and interesting was in these days"

"Well, you've got the pale part at least" Dawn noted.

Buffy elbowed her in the ribs "Dawn, go call Nina"

"Right. Nina." Angel looked unsure suddenly "Oh, god, what am I going to say to her?"

Buffy shrugged "Honey, I'm human?" she offered.

He gave her a look and then asked for some water. She walked over to the table in the middle of the room. Glancing over she saw that Spike still slept on soundly. She sighed and poured Angel a glass from the carafe of cold water. Bringing it over she put it to his lips and tipped short sips into his mouth. He swallowed it and looked visibly less pained, nodding.

Angel reached up and placed his hand on his heart "It's good to feel that again. You never notice it till it's gone"

She nodded "A heartbeat is definitely underrated. It's on my top ten of most desirable features on guys"

"Ha," Dawn snorted as she re-entered the room "Not judging by your past honeys"

Buffy glared at her.

Angel nodded slightly "She has a point"

"Oh, please, do _not_ side with her," Buffy rolled her eyes "She should not be humoured."

Dawn gave her a little shove "Nina said she'll be right over, said she was already on her way when I phoned. She practically had a heart attack and crashed her car when I told her Angel was awake"

"Why? How...how long have I been asleep?"

Buffy shifted on her feet "About a week"

"A week!" Angel tried to bolt up in bed but pain shot through him and he fell back down "Ugh! I can't have been here a week. What about Wolfram and Hart? Did we win? What the hell even happened to make me human?"

The Slayer grabbed his hand to calm him "Yes, we won and its okay – Wesley's taking care of things at Wolfram and Hart. The bomb...that's what made you human. It destroyed the demon within you but somehow left your body and soul intact"

"And Spike" Dawn added.

Angel was digesting this then suddenly looked more confused "Spike is..."

"Yep, he's human too" Dawn told him cheerily "He's not awake yet. I wonder how he's going to take it"

Angel said nothing but looked serious as Dawn stepped out of the way to give him a clear view of Spike lying in his bed unconscious. Buffy let go of Angel's hand suddenly and took a step back.

"Uh, I should...I'm going to get coffee" Buffy darted out of the door.

She made it down the corridor and turned the corner before she slumped her back against the wall. Buffy closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. _God, this is terrible_. She had forgotten all about Spike when Angel woke up. It felt like a betrayal to her. Here were these two men that she loved, both newly human, and she didn't know how to react. Things had been complicated between her, Spike and Angel before but now it had gotten even worse.

Hadn't she just told Spike a few days ago that she wanted him? She'd told him that she'd chosen him and Angel was no longer a factor. It shouldn't be complicated at _all._ Buffy had made her decision and it had been Spike. Just because Angel was human now shouldn't have made a difference.

Yet it did.

The curse was gone now. Angel's soul was permanent. They could be together if that's what they wanted.

Of course, she didn't know if that _wa_s what she wanted.

God it was all too complicated.

"Buffy!"

She whirled around and saw Nina running up the corridor towards her. God, she hadn't even bothered to think about Nina. So much for their friendship if Buffy would discard her so easily. First Spike, now Nina. How selfish had she become?

"Buffy!" Nina reached her "Is he okay? I mean, is he...?"

Buffy nodded slowly, unable to speak for a moment "Uh...yeah...he's awake. He's good. You should go to him. I'll bring coffee"

The female werewolf nodded and was gone in a moment. To Angel's bedside. Angel who was _her_ boyfriend.

Buffy rested her forehead against the wall. She had to buck up. Not everything was about her and how she felt. She had to think before she got herself even more confused. What was certain was that she was not ready to go back into that room. Buffy decided to make herself useful by phoning Angel's gang and telling them the good news. Occupying herself would surely take her mind off it all.

She bought a cup of coffee and took a sip of it. Maybe it would clear her mind. Walking over to the payphone she called Wesley first and told him the deal. He promised he'd tell the rest of the gang and that they'd all be right over demon's permitting. Unfortunately that meant that it didn't take much time at all, and Buffy was faced with the prospect of going back into the room.

The Slayer decided instead to call Giles and update him. She'd called her friends as soon as it had happened. They'd all been surprised to hear Spike was alive and that he was even more alive now. The time difference was a bitch and Buffy was greeted with a grumbling, sleep-deprived Giles. She told him the news and he perked up a little. Her Watcher offered to fly out there to support her. Buffy considered the offer for a few moment but eventually declined, with a thanks.

Having Giles and her friends here might be comforting for a while but in the end it wouldn't make things any easier.

A few minutes later she hung up and walked slowly back to Angel and Spike's room. Taking a moment before she entered Buffy told herself to get a grip and just be there for them both.

She stepped into the room. Nina and Angel were just withdrawing from an emotional hug, Dawn smiling off the side looking genuinely happy. Buffy swallowed, pasted an identical smile to her face.

This would be easy.

- Her smile faltered -

She hoped.

**A/N: Gawd, that Buffy! Review please. **


	3. Dreams

**A/N: Thankee for reviews. Here's another chapter. Keep the reviews coming. **

Spike dreamed. Like most dreams not a lot made sense. He was walking through a maze, the kind he remembered playing in as a child. Hedges looming high above him, guiding him in the wrong direction, keeping him from reaching his destination. He didn't know where or what his destination was, only that it was important he got there.

The sun was beating down on him and it was a nice feeling. In his dreams he could be human; in his dreams the sun loved him as much as it loved everyone else. He held his hand out to gaze at it in the suns light. There was something different about it.

He frowned, turned his hand over so his palm faced upward. He was bleeding. A puncture wound in the middle of his palm. He wondered briefly if he's acquired stigmata as some kind of bizarre, ironic punishment. Was it ironic? Spike shrugged to himself, _not like it matters._

He made a fist and then released. The blood was gone. Spike shrugged again and carried onwards through the maze.

Laughter sounded close by. He was just glad it wasn't the spooky laughter of children they always had in those dire horror films Dawn had made him watch over the summer. He turned the corner to find the source of the laughter.

Spike weaved in and out of the passageways finally coming to a small clearing in the woods.

Dru and Harmony sat at a picnic bench, both dressed as Alice in Wonderland. They were eating jam sandwiches and laughing about something.

Spike raised an eyebrow, shook his head and walked around them. They were nattering about "the axe-man in the woods".

He found himself wading deeper and deeper into a forest. The foliage was dense and Spike had to push branches and leaves out of his way. He finally pushed through to the other side. Spike found himself in his old crypt.

Giles sat cross-legged on the coffin lid, he was reading from a book to his rapt audience which consisted of Willow and Andrew.

"...exactly like Picasso's blue period" He nodded, "You see, the reason that Quasimodo could never be with Esmeralda was because he was not like her. He hid in shadows, watching life pass by but remaining, essentially, detached from it. She was young, vibrant and beautiful. He was hideous, a wretch. They could never make it work"

Giles looked up and saw him "See, case in point. Spike. I believe what you're looking for is downstairs"

Spike gave him a curt nod and strolled past. As he was going down the stairs of the crypt he heard Giles' last pearl of wisdom.

"...sometimes the devil is a gentleman, others a Poddington Pea"

Spike clomped down the stairs and found himself in, well, it looked like a brothel. A somewhat high-class brothel but a brothel nevertheless. Satin pillows were thrown everywhere, heavy Chinese carpets spread across the floors, velvet drapes hanging from the walls. Light spots were circling around and around. Spike looked up and saw a disco ball, of all things. It was then that he realised he was in Xander's basement.

"Twerps done well for himself then..." Spike chuckled.

"If you're here for a good time," Dawn said coming up behind him "Then you're outta luck, hon. We're fully booked. No orifices to spare"

Spike pulled a face and took a step back. She was dressed in what could only be described as a Teletubbies costume. Dawn seemed to be dressed as Po. He wasn't sure why he knew that but he did.

He shook his head "Giles, he told me –"

"Ah, yes, Giles. Scrumptious man" Dawn sighed "Well, sorry, we're still booked. Buffy can only handle so many, you know"

His eyebrows rose "Buffy? What? Where is she?"

"She went down to the docks. Greeting the sailors, that kind of thing. They all love to get a piece of _that_" Dawn nodded her big Po head.

Spike was disturbed. He felt his hands itching. Spike looked at them and saw that they were both bleeding now. He wiped his palms on his duster quickly and fled back up the stairs of the basement. He didn't come back up into the crypt though. Instead he found himself in Buffy's house.

"Buffy?" Spike yelled "Buffy!"

He stalked through the living room, the kitchen, checked down the basement door which he had just come out of but all he saw was a Ricky Martin concert going on down there. He turned and started for the stairs. As he ascended the dulcet tones of Ricky followed him up.

"_Shake your bon bon; shake your bon bon..."_

Spike reached the landing and looked both ways. It seemed to be a lot longer than he remembered it. He chose right and walked to the first door, pushing it open. Clem sat in a paddling pool of jelly, looking introspective and jotting something down in a notebook before reciting it out loud.

"Efflugent...Splamolgent? No, no. Effulgent...Divulgent? No. Effulgent..."

Spike slammed the door closed and hurried along to the next one, kicking it open now in desperation. In this room Illyria and Wesley sat playing poker. The demon god wore a sun visor, a playing card stuck in the rim of it. A fat Cuban cigar was perched between her lips as she tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"Go Fishing" She demanded.

Wesley nodded and pulled a fishing rod out from under the table.

Spike growled and moved on. He felt his face morph into its vampire visage as he kicked the next door down. Anya sat in the corner of the room rocking back and forth. She looked so lost that it gave Spike pause for a moment and his features softened.

"Anya?" He said gently.

"Watch out, watch out" She nodded to herself "The axe-man, he likes axes he does. Sometimes he likes to sharpen them. Sometimes they sharpen him"

Spike frowned. He didn't think he could offer her any help and so closed the door quietly and moved to the last door in the corridor. Spike reached out and opened it slowly. It was Buffy's bedroom. It seemed to be empty. He stepped in cautiously.

Dawn had set in and the rays streaming through the window were a burnt orange. Spike sighed and sat on the edge of Buffy's bed. He didn't think he'd ever really been in her room back in Sunnydale. At least not for any length of time, and not for anything pleasant. Several stuff toys were strewn on the bed. He picked up a furry pig that held an axe. He placed it back down. Spike held his head in his hands. He was so tired of chasing after her.

The door slammed shut.

Spike's head jerked up and he leapt towards the door, pulling on the handle desperately. It wouldn't give no matter how hard he tried.

"What's the hubbub, bub?" Buffy asked.

He whirled around to face the bed. Buffy lay on top of it, she wore a black silk chemise, one leg folded up, her hair was longer and wild. A slim cigarette was resting between her fingers; she smiled at him lazily and brought it to her lips.

Spike started to move towards her when the door opened behind him, knocking him into the wall face-first. He growled and spun around.

Angel gave him a cheery wave and walked over to the bed. He was shirtless, dressed only in loose black drawstring cords. Spike watched as he settled on the bed next to Buffy. He attached one end of a pair of handcuffs to his own wrist.

"Hey, Spike" Angel whispered "Wanna know a secret?"

Buffy held her hand up. Angel snapped the other side of the handcuffs around her dainty wrist.

"What the _hell_ –" Spike started forward, seething.

"Spike, honey," Buffy purred "its okay. You're still beneath me. Angel's on top"

He let out an almighty yell before leaping at the bed. He vamped out again, grabbed Angel around the neck and started pounding his face into so much meat. His fist fell hard, the loud, meaty thumps of his hits echoed through the room.

Spike blinked.

It was Buffy underneath him, her face caved into her skull.

----------

Spike bolted upright, screaming.


	4. Realisation

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Only a short chapter here but I thought I'd better update, more next time I solemnly swear.**

His scream was loud and piteous, some part of him knew that but the other, more insane part of him (that seemed to be taking over at that moment) really did not care.

Looking around panicked, all he could see was white for a few moments and it did nothing to calm his mood. He looked down at himself and saw he was in a bed; his arms were flailing about still in a state of shock.

It had all been a dream. Yet it had seemed so real. He had felt Buffy's face sink beneath his fists, felt the gristle and cartilage in her nose crunch.

His breathing was laboured and sweat poured down his forehead, heartbeat pounding in his ears. _Where the hell am I?_

Looking down at his hands Spike was surprised and frightened to see a long needle stuck deeply into a vein in his hands. He wore a hospital gown and the whiteness suddenly made sense. He was in hospital. Vampires didn't need hospitals.

His eyes widened. It all hit him at once. His heart was pounding against his ribs. His breathing was shaky and panicked. He was sweating.

He hadn't experienced any of these things in over a hundred years.

Spike turned to the side and screamed in terror as he saw the summer sun beaming through the window directly onto him. He thrashed about wildly, kicking the side of the bed and bruising his foot painfully. His bucking frame sent the bend tipping over and Spike tumbled to the floor, hitting his knees and side jarringly hard, before curling up into a little ball still screaming.

He was still in the path of the sun he realised. _Not gonna burn, not gonna burn_. Spike dragged himself over into the corner of the room where it was dark and safe, wailing like banshee.

"Spike! Spike!" A voice called "Spike, are you okay?"

He pressed his hands to his chest, feeling it rising and falling. _This is not happening. It's another dream, it's another dream. I know it. I KNOW it. _A trickle of sweat ran down his face and he swiped it away furiously before hiding his face in his hands.

He kept pulling in deep un-needed breaths. _You're a vampire, idiot. You don't need to breathe._ Yet every time he tried to stop his lungs would burn and he's be forced into gulping in the air.

"Spike?" A hand on his shoulder "You're okay. You're fine. Somebody get a nurse! Dawn! Go get a nurse _now_! Go!"

_Nurse_? He didn't need a goddamn nurse! He was a creature of the night; no medical profession could cure that.

The hand on his shoulder slipped up to his forehead, gently pushing his curls aside. The touch was soothing, a calming gesture. Spike looked up into Buffy's green eyes then at her hand. It should have felt hot to the touch. Her touch usually set his cold skin on fire.

Spike raised a hand to his own forehead. He was burning up! It was impossible. He clawed at the hospital gown, desperately. Buffy tried to stop him but he slapped her hands away. He pulled the gown down over his shoulders and torso.

His hands went immediately to his chest. Over his dead heart. Except it wasn't dead. Not anymore. It was pounding like the beat of a drum.

"No!" He roared hoarsely.

He started clawing at his chest, just like he had done years before after getting his soul. It couldn't be true; he had to cut it out.

"Spike, stop it!" Buffy yelled grabbing his hands.

He tried to shake her off but she held his wrists in a vice-like grip that he couldn't weaken in the slightest because he was weak. He was weak now, just like everyone else. Spike bowed his head and sobbed, he felt blood sluicing down his chest and the pain seared through him like acid.

She leaned over him, hands still gripping his, and pressed her forehead against the crown of his head. Buffy pressed her lips against his forehead, then his temple.

She whispered in his ears as he shook "Shh, its okay. I'm here. You're okay. Calm down, okay? We...you'll be fine"

Spike knew that wasn't true. He wouldn't be okay. He would never be okay again.

"You're alive, Spike" Buffy murmured "You're alive"

And that was why.


	5. Weak

Buffy held tightly onto Spike's hands to stop him from hurting himself. Of all the reactions she might have expected from him, blind panic was not one of them. The moment he had bolted up screaming in bed she had frozen. Everyone in the room had. She had watched him send himself into a flurry of panic, seen him fling himself from his bed ripping the needle from his hands, but she had still failed to react.

She had finally gotten her senses back, and the use of her feet, when he had backed himself into the corner. He was hiding from the sunlight. It was his instinct to get out of the path of light. Buffy understood this but she didn't understand why he was so upset, why he was trying to hurt himself. She'd naively thought he'd be happy about it or, at least, react in the same stoic way that Angel had.

Her thoughts went back to the other people in the room. She turned and saw Angel sitting up in bed, Nina had an arm wrapped around his shoulders and the two of them were staring at Spike as if he were nuts, which he might be for all Buffy knew.

Spike and insanity weren't exactly strangers to one another.

Dawn came rushing back through the door with the nurse that Buffy had insisted she go and get. The Slayer kept her hold on Spike as the nurse ran over. She pulled a small flashlight from her pocket and half-shoved Buffy out of the way to crouch in front of Spike.

He hissed as she shone the light in his eyes, batting the flashlight from her hand. The nurse attempted to grab his arm to pull him up but he backed away from her so fast that he slammed his head into the wall.

Buffy turned to the nurse "I don't think he wants to be touched right now. He just needs some time. While you're here, can you check out Angel? He just woke up too"

"Buffy, I'm fine" Angel said "I really think Spike needs the help more than I do"

"He's okay. Just...can we get somewhere more private? I think he just wants to sit somewhere alone –"

Spike whispered "Dark"

Buffy glanced at him, worried, then back at the nurse "Can you get a room ready? Draw all the curtains, and get him some water? Thanks"

The nurse hesitated a moment before nodding and leaving the crowded room. Buffy locked eyes with Dawn whose eyes were as wide as saucers. She turned back to Spike who had his head buried in his hands; his knees were drawn up close against his chest.

Buffy moved around to his side, using herself to shield him from the other's view. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. His breathing slowed and he sighed, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly.

"Spike?" Buffy said gently "You know it's me, right? You know it's Buffy?"

He snorted "Duh"

A wide smile spread across her face. He was going to be alright, she was sure. He just needed a little time to adjust to it all. Surely if he could still make fun of her then he was still Spike. Still her Spike, just less dead. Or, not dead at all.

She wanted to reach over and feel his heart beating, feel his chest rise and fall as he inhaled and exhaled. Her hands began to itch at the prospect. Spike's entire body shuddered. It wasn't the time for exploring his newfound aliveness.

"Is he...is he okay?" Dawn asked concern heavy in her voice.

Buffy looked over her shoulder at her "He's fine, just a little shaken"

The nurse came back to tell them the room was ready. Buffy nodded and helped Spike up, he was reluctant to move but she guided him carefully around the sunny patches in the room. He couldn't walk very well, his legs shaky, so Buffy held most of his weight and half-carried him from the room.

The corridor was bright, flooded with light and Spike whimpered, hiding his face from the light. Buffy wrapped an arm around his waist and the nurse directed them to a room not too far away. When they entered Buffy quickly closed the door behind them. The room was dark, all the curtains pulled, and Spike instantly relaxed a little. She escorted him over to the bed and he quietly sat down on it.

She had thought about keeping him in the other room, and maybe ushering everyone else out but that wasn't fair to Angel. Besides, she doubted Spike wanted to stay another minute in that room. This was easier.

Buffy shifted from foot to foot as he looked down at the floor, silent. The fact that she had been having second thoughts about Spike and their relationship made her feel incredibly guilty, especially now he was having such a hard time with this.

"Buffy...I can't...can't see" He whispered.

Buffy frowned "You want me to turn on the light?"

"No, I mean," Spike rubbed his head, "I can't see properly. Everything's blurry"

"Really? Angel didn't mention anything about that..."

Spike looked up, frowning "Angel?"

"Yeah, he...he was in the room back there. You didn't see him? Hear him?"

He shook his head slowly "No. Funny, you think I wouldn't be able to miss a forehead that big anywhere"

Buffy shook her head, smiling. He was still joking, this was a good sign. Spike let out a loud, hocking cough, his whole body shaking. The smile fell from her face. She walked up to him and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Angel's...he's human, too?" Spike asked.

"Yeah"

"Brilliant," He doubled over, voice raspy, clutching his chest "I can't do anything unique"

"We should get you checked over by a doctor," Buffy reached over, rubbing a hand over his back in a soothing manner.

"Why?" Spike turned to her "They'll all say the same bloody thing – 'it's alive, aliiiiive!'"

"I'm serious, Spike," Buffy replied "You're having vision problems, that cough didn't sound too healthy and you reacted pretty..."

"Insanely?" Spike offered "Yeah, well, I guess I didn't see this coming. S'pose Angel took it really well, then?"

She shrugged "He...reacted differently"

"So, I suppose now you think I'm a right pansy"

Her brow furrowed "I don't think you're a..._pansy_. I just think that different people react in different –"

"And, so, that's what I am now? A person" He said sombrely.

"I thought you'd be happy"

"Why would you think that?"

Buffy was surprised, "Well, because..."

"Because what? Because being human is so superior? Oh, sure. Great. I get to die in fifty years time. Hip hip fucking hooray" He turned away to stare at the wall.

"You're forgetting about all the good things, what about –"

"I don't want to be a human!" Spike yelled, but it came out sounding croaky "I've been there, I've done that. Being made a vampire was the best thing that ever happened to me. It delivered me from mediocrity, made me something other than a gutless loser"

Buffy just looked at him, not knowing what to say.

He pulled himself up further on the bed; arms wrapped around himself "How did this even happen? It's not possible"

"The bomb, the one that's meant to kill anything demon, remember?"

Spike frowned "The one we were gonna use against the...the..."

"The Kraal's, yeah," Buffy nodded "You and Angel were caught up in the blast and it...it killed the demon part of you both"

He shook his head vigorously "Not possible"

"I'd say you're evidence enough to say otherwise"

"I didn't ask for this," Spike gritted his teeth "And I don't want it. All I feel is weak – I can't even fucking _see_ clearly"

Buffy stood "I'll get a doctor"

"I don't want a doctor! I don't _need_ a bloody doctor!" Spike stood too.

"Spike, you're still –"

"Don't! I'm _fine_" He pointed at her "I can stand up, I'm not a..."

His legs shook violently and then crumpled beneath him. He sank to the floor, hitting his back against the nightstand. Buffy started to go to him but he held a hand out to stop her. She watched as he curled up into the foetal position on the hospital room floor.


	6. Tension

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews - there's no such thing as a review that's too long! Keep 'em coming. **

Buffy closed the door behind her quietly. Spike had finally dozed off. It was odd how all she had wanted was for him to wake up but now she was glad he was asleep again. She needed the respite. Letting out a long sigh she walked slowly down the corridor. There was tenseness in her shoulders and her eyes were having trouble adjusting to the bright hospital lights after being holed up in that dark room for so long.

She was just coming out for a bathroom break and to get a drink then she'd go back in to sit with Spike. Buffy wandered into the hospital restroom. It was empty. She walked over to the basin and looked in the mirror. Her hair was messed up; her eyes still had dark circles under them from the lack of sleep she'd been getting. All in all she looked terrible.

"No wonder Spike was scared shitless," She joked to herself, quietly.

Buffy attempted to smooth her hair with her hands. She turned the tap on and splashed cold water onto her face. She did that a couple of more times until she felt a little better, and then dried herself off with a paper towel.

When she had finished in the rest room she made her way to the drinks machine, buying herself a can of Diet Coke, figuring she'd need the caffeine. Buffy still wasn't quite sure what to make of Spike's reaction. She understood that this had to be hard for him after so many years as a vampire but he was acting suicidal.

Not to mention the blurriness of vision he'd mentioned. She didn't know what was going on with him, but she hoped he'd get through this.

She was about to go back to his room when she heard laughter floating down the hall. Drawn towards the sound, she made her way back to the other room where she saw, as she stood in the doorway, Lorne was finishing up a joke that had Dawn and Nina in hysterics and even Angel was grinning like a lunatic.

Nina and Dawn sat on Angel's bed, and he had manoeuvred himself up in a half-sitting position as well. Lorne was strolling up and down the room, taking centre stage, dressed in a typically flamboyant outfit.

Buffy leaned on the doorframe, watching, a slight smile on her face.

"Buffy"

The voice came from behind her, but soon had everyone in the room turning to realise she was there. Buffy glanced over her shoulder at Oz. She hadn't seen him for a while, figuring he had gone back to Willow, but now he was back. He must have heard the news.

"Oz, hey" She turned to him.

He gave her a slight nod "How are you?"

His hazel eyes were remarkably intuitive, searching her face. It was as if he knew that she was feeling distanced from them all. Of course, Buffy had always figured him to be a perceptive guy so maybe he knew exactly how she felt. The thought was both comforting and sort of scary.

"I'm fine," She smiled "It's not me you should be asking. Ask Mr. Newly Human"

Buffy stepped out of the way and motioned him into the room. He stepped inside and she followed him in.

"Oz," Angel nodded.

"Hey –"

Oz stopped mid-sentence and became very still. He turned his head towards the bed where the three of them sat. Buffy could see his eyes were all for Nina thought. His hands slid out of his jacket pocket and tensed a few times, eyes roving over her suspiciously.

And, it seemed, Nina was reacting the same way. She had looked gob smacked for a few moments but now stood slowly and cautiously. The looks they were giving each other made the air suddenly feel heavy with power. Everyone in the room was gaping at the two of them in silence.

Suddenly, Buffy realised what was happening.

"You're a werewolf," Nina uttered, first.

Oz gave a small nod "You too"

Buffy didn't entirely get it. They had met before, in the fight with the Kraal's...but then it had been a life and death situation and maybe they hadn't noticed the wolfy vibes from each other. Whatever the reason, there was some major tension between the two of them now.

Buffy stepped in "But you're both _good_ werewolves. You know, the loyal type"

Neither of them paid her any attention. Buffy stepped back sheepishly.

The two werewolves began to circle one another.

Dawn looked to Angel "Is this some kind of pissing contest?"

Angel just watched Nina, entranced.

"You trained?" Oz asked, calmly.

"What do you mean?" Nina replied, keeping her eyes on him.

"Can you control your wolf?"

Nina looked surprised "There's a way to do that?"

He gave a slight nod "There's a way"

They stopped circling each other.

"You can control it?" Nina asked, hopeful.

"I can," Oz responded.

There was a long pause.

Nina took a step forward, inclined her head "Think you could teach me?"

Oz regarded her a moment "I could do that"

And just like that the tension leaked out of the room, although there still seemed to be some sort of preternatural thing going on with them but it was no longer suffocating.

"Woo, man, someone crack open a window" Lorne fanned himself.

Everyone in the room laughed, nervous laughter as the situation diffused itself.

Oz finally tore his eyes away from Nina and back to Angel; he walked over and offered his hand for a firm handshake "Congrats on the living"

Angel shook his hand "Thanks"

Oz looked to the other bed, finding it empty he asked "Spike up and about too?"

Buffy let out a deep sigh. Back to the issue at hand, then. She couldn't help but feel bad about feeling put upon when anyone even mentioned Spike. It was just here the others all were, enjoying themselves, being happy about the human thing – like they should be – and she was stuck in a room down the hall with a guy who used to be so full of charisma and defiance, but who now seemed to be a shivering wreck.

"Yeah, he's awake" Buffy nodded.

Oz caught her tone of voice "And we're not happy about this?"

"No, no, we _are_" Buffy nodded again, smiling this time "We definitely are. Yep. Sure."

She wasn't really convincing anyone.

Dawn stood "Spike didn't take it so well"

Oz placed his hands back in his pockets "Understandable. It's got to be a lot"

He was right. It had to be a lot for Spike to deal with. Buffy really had no idea what he was going through, and to go around thinking he should automatically be in the mood to party was stupid of her. So, Angel had reacted differently, so what? Spike and Angel were two different people. Angel's typically nonplussed attitude suited him but Spike was so passionate about everything that it stood to reason he would react extremely, one way or the other.

"You're right," She acknowledged "I should get back to him"

Dawn walked to her "Want me to come sit with you?"

"That'd be nice"

They turned to go but Buffy stopped, remembering something.

"Angel," She turned back "Do you...can you see alright?"

He frowned "See?"

"Yeah. Like, is your vision blurry at all?"

"No, it's fine," Angel told her "Why?"

Buffy shrugged "It's nothing; just Spike said he couldn't see very well"

Angel paused, thinking "Well, when Darla was made human she got back _everything_ she had when she'd been human. Including syphilis"

Buffy's eyes widened "Are you saying Spike has syphilis?"

"No," He said, "But, if I remember rightly, he used to wear glasses"

Dawn's eyebrows rose "Spike with glasses? That's...kind of cute"

"You think he needs them now?" Buffy asked.

"It makes sense"

Buffy nodded, and thanked him before she and Dawn started down the corridor. Dawn was chatting about something but she wasn't really listening. She tried to imagine Spike as a human, as the type of man he had been before he had been turned. She didn't know much about him, only what Spike had told her during their little night at the Bronze that one time. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he hadn't been exactly truthful with her when he told her he had always been a good for nothing "pickpocket".

All she really knew about him was that he had called himself William, and had apparently worn glasses.

Buffy wanted to know more, she wanted to know everything about him.

They made it to his room and Buffy opened the door quietly. Light from the hallway flooded in, illuminating the empty room.


	7. Search

Spike stumbled out into the alleyway, his legs still not quite up to their usual standards. He pulled on the denim jacket he had found in the hospital staff's changing room. He had also managed to steal a pair of grey jogging trousers that were too long for him, a white T-shirt that was too small for him, and a pair of loafers that fit just right. All in all he looked like hell. Worse still, he felt like hell.

Leaning against the brick wall of the hospital, he felt his way along the alley. His eyes were trying to adjust to the brightness he could see from the street ahead. It was blessedly dark in the alleyway but beyond that Mr. Sunshine had decided today would be a good day to burn as bright as possible.

He could make out shapes of things and could work out mostly what everything was; it was the clarity he missed, the sharpness to objects. Everything seemed slightly dulled, softened around the edges, details blurred. Posters were stuck up on the alley wall and Spike could make out blocks of black on them, which he guessed was writing, but he couldn't decipher the letters.

Spike carried on inching down the alley. He just had to get out of that bloody place. He'd always hated hospitals; they always seemed too sterile, too fake. Besides, he knew that he was dragging Buffy down with him. He could see she wanted him to leap for joy about his newfound aliveness, but he couldn't muster it, not even for her. So, it was best he got out of her way.

He could hear car's honking in the near distance, the sound of the usual hustle and bustle but there were other sounds missing. Spike was accustomed to hearing sounds that humans just didn't hear. Like, earlier, in the hospital room – he hadn't been able to hear Buffy's heart beating like he used to. He couldn't even hear his _own _heart beating.

His sight and hearing weren't the only thing that had been downgraded. His sense of smell had too. As a vampire he used to be able to track by the scent of blood, he used to be able to assign a certain scent to a certain person. Now all he could smell was the stench of urine from the alley and his own rankness.

_Yippee_ Spike thought grumpily.

His legs groaned at him to stop moving but, stubborn as ever, he told them to shut up. Spike looked on up ahead and saw a group of women, rich socialites as far as he could tell from what they were wearing. He concentrated hard on trying to pick up their scent, on trying to hear their whispered gossip.

He was so busy concentrating on that that he failed to notice the trashcan's right in front of him. Spike walked right into them and fell in a heap on the pile of rubbish bags, knocking the bins down to the ground nosily and drawing the socialite's attentions to him.

Spike looked up, cursing loudly in time to see them all looking at him and giggling wildly before walking off, noses wrinkled in distaste.

Spike growled, _How dare _they_ of all people laugh at me? Those snobs! I could rip their sodding heads off with one hand! _

Except of course, he couldn't. Not now. Spike let out a yell of rage and slammed his fist into the brick wall of the hospital. Pain screamed through his hand and up his arm, sending him yelling and cursing again but louder this time.

He scrambled up to his feet and stood shaking his hand, then holding it close to him as his knuckles seeped blood. Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes and Spike hated himself for it. Seeing how weak he really was.

Spike pushed himself forward towards the mouth of the alleyway, hand clutched to his side. He blinked at the brightness, stretched his hand out cautiously.

All his instincts were telling him to stay in the dark, the light would hurt him. His hand inched out into the light slowly and carefully. He braced himself for pain but felt none. He turned his hand over then felt warmth on his palm. Warmth, but not burning heat.

Spike marvelled at it for a moment.

Having not felt the sun upon his skin in such a long time, at least not without it being extremely painful, he gave the occasion the moment of reverence it called for.

Then he shrugged and stepped out of the alley.

------------------------

Buffy came tearing around the corner of the hospital corridor, nearly careening into a nurse at the same time. She leapt over the trolley the nurse had been pushing and rounded another corner, hearing Dawn calling after her.

The Slayer sprinted down the corridor and skidded into Angel's room, looking about wildly. Everyone looked at her.

Her gaze turned to Oz.

"Oz, I need your help" Buffy panted.

------------------------

Spike walked down the pavement, squinting as he tried to take in the details of where he was. He could see a street sign up ahead, but he couldn't read it. He _could_ see people giving him odd glances, however. It was L.A; surely they'd seen stranger things then him?

People walked around him mostly giving him a wide berth, reaffirming his whole theory about his own horrific stench.

Spike had no idea where he was going but wherever it was it was far away from here. A man barrelled into the side of him as he rushed to work in a business suit. Spike wasn't prepared for it and he got knocked back, stumbling against his feet and nearly going down for the second time in less than five minutes. His shoulder ached where the idiot had walked into him.

"Oi!" Spike yelled at him, giving him the finger.

The man looked back and smirked "Get a job!"

He disappeared around the corner a moment later. Spike clenched his injured fist without thinking and set off a whole new set of sparking pains. He gritted his teeth and carried on down the street. His legs were beginning to ache and this pissed him off no end. He had barely walked anywhere yet.

Spike turned a corner and nearly walked straight into a pair of kids who'd been running and laughing to each other. They ground to a stop when they saw him and he was forced to do the same thing since they were taking up the whole path.

Their eyes were big and round, they looked spooked. Spike was glad.

"Boo" He rasped.

The children ran screaming back from where they came to their mother who was slightly behind.

She waved a fist at Spike "Go back to your crack house, junkie!"

Spike's eyebrows lifted "Charming" he murmured to himself.

He turned and went back the way he had come, deciding instead to cross the road and carry on down the same street. He'd need to find somewhere to hole himself up soon. Spike wondered if Buffy had noticed he was gone yet. If she even cared. No doubt she'd slipped out on him to go and moon over Angel.

Angel, who was taking this all _so_ well. Spike's lip curled up. Well, of course Angel was alright with this. He'd always wanted to be a namby pamby human. Spike remembered back to their useless quest for the Cup of Perpetual Torment. Sure, Spike had fought Angel for it but that had only been because he didn't want Angel to get it. It was petty but true. Spike had never really wanted to be human again. He was actually rather glad when the whole thing turned out to be a farce.

No point in being human. He was a vampire, who fought on the side of good, who had a soul...what exactly did being human offer him over that? Nothing but joint aches and frailness. Who would choose that over what he'd had before?

Well, Angel _of course_.

Spike grunted and carried on down the street when a peculiar urge struck him. One he hadn't felt in a long time. He _really_ needed a piss.

---------------------------

Buffy walked alongside Oz, really hoping he'd hurry up. The werewolf was sniffing the air, trying to distinguish Spike's scent from hundreds of others in the city. Since Spike was now human Oz had had to sniff his sheets to get his new scent. It had all been very odd. Now, here they were, still with the not finding Spike yet.

"Déjà vu" Oz intoned.

Buffy nodded. It had only been a couple of weeks ago, that they had been doing the exact same thing – looking for Spike. Only, that time had been because he'd stormed off jealous about her being stuck on Angel, or so he'd decided. She had rubbished his claims that night. Now, she couldn't even think about it because it was all so damned complex. Maybe she _was_ stuck on Angel, and not in a good way. Maybe it was her teenage self, stuck on her first love and unwillingly to let him go completely. She knew that whenever it came to Angel she had the blinders on, never really seeing the full picture.

Here she was again, with the confusing. Best to just think about finding Spike.

She wondered where he was and what he was doing.

----------------------------

Spike stood in another charming L.A alleyway, hand braced against the wall as he relieved himself. It just kept on coming and coming. The alley was sure to start rivalling the L.A River, soon. He didn't understand where it all came from. He hadn't drunk anything recently. This was another thing he hated about being human. Spike hadn't urinated in the past one hundred and whatever years, and now it seemed it was all catching up with him. He was pissing like a racehorse.

Vampire's never had to take leaks in the middle of saving, or destroying, the world.

It was a nuisance, is what it was.

After what seemed like a good ten minutes it finally trailed off and Spike let out a sigh of relief. He had never realised he retained so much water. Shrugging, he made himself decent again.

Spike did the buttons on his jacket up as he left the alley again. Despite the heat he felt oddly cold. His hand was still hurting from his attack on the wall and so it took him a while to do the jacket up all the way. He pulled his collar up, trying to cover as much of himself from the sun as he could, and trying to gain some sense of anonymity.

He saw a tramp sitting on the sidewalk with just the thing he needed. Spike knelt down next to him, squinting and negotiated a deal. He gave the man the cell phone he had found in the jacket pocket in return for his grungy trucker's cap. The tramp had gratefully accepted.

Spike took his new hat, which was ugly as sin, placed it upon his head and started back down the road. He just hoped he wouldn't get lice but knowing his luck today, it was more than likely.

Now if only he could get himself some shades to really complete the look. _Then again_, Spike thought, _probably best I don't – could find myself walking into all sorts of things._

Spike ventured on.

---------------------------

Minutes later Buffy and Oz stood in an alleyway.

The ground was wet. Very wet.

"Well, at least we know we're on the right track" He said.

Buffy pulled a face "Ew"


	8. Trouble

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. **

Spike was hungry. He was used to that feeling, the pigs blood never really did fill him up completely, there was always something missing. Now, though, the thought of drinking that cold, clotted, bodily fluid was repulsive to his senses. His body wanted actual human food. Spike had dabbled in the odd delicacy over the years – spicy buffalo wings, flowering onion – but he had never really been able to _taste_ them. They were just comfort food.

Now, his stomach was growling for food and drink. He had after all just lost a lot of liquid. Spike shook his head and smirked.

Today was a day for firsts.

He trudged along the pavement, still feeling wary about the sunlight upon his skin. It didn't feel natural to him; he tried to stick mostly to the shadows of the overhanging shop roofs. They provided him with some shelter from the light.

There was a bakery up ahead, and he could smell the freshly baked bread. Spike inhaled deeply, and his stomach rumbled again.

What he needed was a decent meal, a decent drink, and somewhere to sit down and rest. His legs were killing him.

He'd have to steal the bread, but then again it was hardly the most severe of his crimes over the years. Spike approached with what he hoped was some degree of stealth.

He was about to make his swipe when he heard someone shout out. Spike spun around, assuming he had been caught, but instead a man ran straight into him knocking him half onto the bakery display and sending several delicious looking bread rolls scampering across the street.

"Stop him!" A woman cried, running down the street "He took my bag!"

Spike picked himself up, scowling, and looked in the direction the mugger had gone. He was still visible, clutching the rich bird's purse. Spike brushed himself off and fully intended to go on and pocket the grub while everyone was distracted. Then that pesky conscience nagged at him.

"Being good is annoying" He muttered to himself.

Nevertheless, he took off after the street punk. He was quite far ahead and Spike's legs were protesting this exertion. He ignored them, he had once been a very powerful vampire – if he couldn't even catch up with a scrawny thief now then his life might as well be over.

He stretched the muscles in his legs to capacity, ignoring any quivering he felt from them, as he sprinted down the street. The mugger rounded the corner and seconds later Spike did too, his arms scissoring at his sides, his lungs wheezing. He had forgotten how to breathe in periods of heavy exertion and it took him a while to get the rhythm of it right without ending up breathless and gasping for air.

Spike barely noticed that they had entered the back streets in a bad area of town.

"Oi! Stop!" Spike yelled after the guy.

He turned around, surprised, and tripped over his own foot, stumbling. It slowed him down enough for Spike to launch himself through the air and careen into the mugger's back. They both fell to the ground, grunting. Spike's face grazed against the rough tarmac and he hissed in pain. He kept his hold on the man, though, gripping his leather jacket hard.

Spike rolled him onto his back and took the purse from him, panting "I'll take that, mate"

"I don't think so, _mate_"

His head whipped around to see another street punk emerge from seemingly out of nowhere. Then he heard footsteps coming from another direction. He turned and there was another one, and then another one jumped off a nearby stoop and strolled towards them.

Spike stood, still out of breath, legs quavering. There were four of them including the one who was picking himself off the floor.

He looked at each of them in turn "I don't want no trouble. I was just doing a lady a favour"

One of them, a tall and lanky fellow with a purple buzz cut snickered "Hey, Jay, this guy for real? Check out his voice, man! Cor, blimey, guv'nor!"

They all cracked up at that, their laughter a chorus of annoyance. Spike wanted to smash their faces in. However, there were four of them and only one of him. No time to get hasty.

"Nice hat, dude" Another one remarked, smirking, he had a green Mohawk "I dig the whole street urchin thing you're swinging"

Laughter.

Spike dropped the purse and shrugged "Fine, you keep the bloody thing. See if I care. Done my good deed for the day. I'll be off"

He turned to leave, but the obnoxious one with the buzz cut was blocking his way. He put his hand on Spike's chest and gave him a little shove.

"I don't think so," He hissed.

"No?" Spike's eyebrows rose.

"No," The punk replied "We'll have to have some fun with you first, Mary Poppins"

Spike sighed and made as if he was about to leave but instead he turned back and decked the guy in the face. He fell to the floor, with a cry.

Spike looked at his hand, mouth wide "Ahhhh!"

He shook his already injured hand, jumped up and down on the spot. The pain was immense. He'd been punching people for years but it had never hurt like _this_! He was so distracted by the pain that the punk behind him slammed into him and took him down to the floor. He punched him in the face and Spike yelped. His face felt like it was swelling up immediately.

Suddenly there were lots of hands on him, pulling at his clothes. His newly acquired hat was the first thing to go. Then they pulled off the jacket, searching for whatever goodies he might have. They were clearly disappointed with the one dollar bill they found.

Someone kicked him in the ribs, making him gasp. The dull ache spread throughout his body and he curled himself up into a little ball feeling like a chicken shit.

"Nice shoes, dude," Someone cackled, before ripping said shoes off of his feet "Now they're my shoes"

Another kick landed to his side and Spike let out a racking cough. He curled himself up tighter, clutching his head in his hands, trying to protect himself. He thought he might be sick as a metal toe capped boot slammed into his stomach.

"Hey!"

Spike frowned to himself, he recognised that voice. The street punks turned around, leaving him alone for the moment. Spike opened his eyes and focused on the blonde girl who stood a few metres away. He had never felt quite as humiliated as he did now.

Buffy stood in the road, arms folded and blonde hair blowing in the breeze. She had the wolf with her. He stood slightly behind and off to the side of her, her silent backup. Not that she needed any. She was, after all, still the Slayer.

The punk with the buzz cut smiled "Hello, darlin'. What can we do for you?"

"You can get the hell away from my boyfriend" She replied, jaw tight.

He laughed and looked at Spike in disbelief "_Him_? Oh, man, this just gets better and better!"

"No," Buffy clenched her fist "but it's about to"

The punk frowned, not understanding why this petite little blonde girl wasn't afraid of him. Then he just shrugged and ran at her clumsily, arms outstretched to grab her. Buffy landed a swift kick to his gut sending him flying backwards through the air and into the side of a car.

The alarm shrieked nosily.

The rest of the punk's gang looked at her, agape. There was a beat. Then they ran off, as fast as their legs could carry them.

Spike groaned and pushed himself up into a half-sitting position. He hurt all over.

Buffy looked down at him.

"S'pose this is gonna be a regular thing then, eh?" Spike rasped "You saving me from getting my arse kicked"

She gave a brief shake of the head "No, next time it'll be _me_ kicking your ass if you ever run away like that again. Butthole"

Spike laughed a little, but found it did him no good as he went into a fit of coughs "Little help would be nice"

Buffy walked over to him, held her hand out.

He took it.


	9. Reconcile

**A/N: Thank ye, for the reviews. **

Buffy opened the door to Spike's apartment, arms full of bags of groceries. She yelled out his name to make sure he hadn't done a disappearing act again. She needn't have bothered though; he was still sprawled out on the couch in plain view where she had left him. He had insisted he was starving, and Buffy supposed that that might actually be true.

She had, of course, tried to get him to go back to hospital but he was having none of it. He was always so damn defiant. They were a lot alike in that sense.

Spike was staring at the TV, eyes creased up. Obviously his vision hadn't improved at all. He glanced up as she came in, running a hand through his wet hair. He had insisted on having a shower as soon as he got back. It had caused much drama after he found his skin surprisingly sensitive to both scalding hot water and its counterpart ice cold. Buffy had reminded him that since he was human now he was going to have think more carefully about the little things. He had pulled one of his faces. The face that told her she was being a patronizing cow. So, she had excused herself to go out and buy him some food. With the parting message of "If you run away I will hurt you"

She was just an old romantic like that.

"Ah, the provider returns," Spike sat up slowly, blinking tiredly "the hunter-gatherer, back from the stalking grounds, making sure her defenceless schmuck gets fed"

Buffy rolled her eyes "You aren't defenceless. You're just...Diet Pepsi"

"Come again?"

"Well, before you were regular Pepsi and now you're Diet" Buffy shrugged "Less calories, but same old tasty beverage"

Spike quirked an eyebrow "You have the oddest way of putting things"

She placed the shopping bags, all but one, on the coffee table "Thanks"

"Nice to know you still find me tasty, though" Spike gave her a half-grin.

Buffy returned his smile, hesitantly. He was trying to act okay for her, and she knew it. He was smiling and smirking and being cocky, being essentially how Spike was _supposed_ to be. It wasn't genuine though. He just wanted her to see him as the same guy he had been before but he wasn't. At least, not completely. A large part of the essence, the Te of Spike, was that he was a vampire. Now, that had all changed.

She looked down at him as he rummaged through the bags. He was dressed in his usual black T-shirt and jeans. The colour looked harsher on him now, somehow. It may have just been her imagination. He dug out some fruit from the bag, tossed it aside, the vegetables were also discarded. Spike practically stuck his whole head in the bag.

"What, no beer?" He asked, dismayed.

"Spike!" Buffy sighed "You're newly human. Beer – really not appropriate"

Spike pouted "Could have at least got me something with a little taste in it. 'Stead of all these leaf things. I'm not a soddin' horse you know"

Buffy opened the shopping bag she had kept hold of and pulled out a large bucket of spicy buffalo wings. She brandished it and with a majestic sweep of the hand and wiggled her eyebrows a little. Spike's face lit up and his nose sniffed deeply, inhaling the scent. He practically lunged at her.

Buffy ducked away "Uh uh uh, what do you say?"

"Gimme that bucket or lose a limb" Spike glowered.

She tilted her head and paused "I don't think _that's_ what you're supposed to say"

"You're right. I've gone all peculiar from my recent transformation. Let me try it again" Spike held his hand out to her "Gimme that bucket _now_ or lose a limb"

Buffy chuckled but handed him the food anyway. He slumped back down on the chair and wolfed the food down greedily.

She watched the spectacle of Spike eating and groaning at the taste of the food with delight.

"See, there are _some_ advantages to being human" Buffy beamed, then it wavered "Although, you have, like, no table manners. Also, you're gonna barf"

Spike looked up at her, mouth full of food and spluttered "I have got some stamina, you know" A beat, his face turned slightly green "Maybe you're right"

He set the bucket down on the coffee table then walked into the kitchen in search of something to wash it down with. Buffy saw him pull the bag of blood out of the fridge and bring it to his mouth.

"Spike!" She yelled.

He turned to her, perplexed "What?"

The Slayer pointed to his rather vampiric choice of beverage. Spike looked down at the bag in his hand then yelped and chucked it onto the floor, scooting away as if it was a mouse.

"I didn't even think about it," He looked at her, eyes wide "How can something I've eaten for so long...repulse me now?"

Buffy put on a brave face "It's not that wacky. I once had a phase of eating Easy Cheese obsessively. Now I can't even look at the stuff"

Spike looked at her, eyebrow arched "Hardly the same thing. Also, cheese in a can? That's just wrong on so many levels"

She smiled, walking over to the couch and sitting down "Come over here"

"Er, hang on there Slayer. I'm still new to this whole 'life' deal. Can't have you workin' me to death already" Spike held his hands up.

She rolled her eyes again "You wish. Just come here"

Spike closed the fridge and walked towards her slowly. Something was off about the way he was walking, the way his eyes never quite fell on her. Buffy frowned, then realised what the problem was. He was nervous. Spike, of all people, was nervous to be alone with her.

He sat down on the far end of the couch. Buffy scooted over next to him and reached over, taking his hand.

"Spike, you know you can be real with me" She said softly, trying to look him in his eyes.

He snorted, shrugging "I wasn't aware that I wasn't real"

"You know what I mean. You don't have to put on an act. I know you're scared"

"How do you know that?"

"Well, if I was in your shoes I know I would be," Buffy answered "That, and you ran away from the hospital"

"I just needed some space" Spike pulled his hand away, "I still do"

"Space for what? To get beaten up?"

He turned to her and _did_ look her in the eyes then. His jaw tightened and a vein in his neck stuck out angrily. Buffy regretted saying it almost as soon as it left her mouth. Seeing Spike getting the crap kicked out of him like that was something Buffy never thought she would see, at least not unless it was her doing the kicking. She knew that it hurt his pride to be rescued by her, not because she was a girl, but because he was used to being able to take care of himself. Especially against some sleazy street thugs.

"I'm sorry" She said sincerely "I just don't want you to get hurt. I couldn't just let you leave the hospital alone. You're still not up to strength, and you're more vulnerable now"

Spike stood, folding his arms and not looking at her "I can take care of myself"

"I know that" Buffy stood too "but you have to give yourself some time to adjust to this"

Spike glanced at her "Oh, right, and until then I have to be babysat, do I?"

"That isn't what this is, Spike"

"So, what is it then?"

"This is me looking after you, because sometimes everybody needs someone. You taught me that. That I don't have to face things alone. Well, neither do you now" Buffy reached over, took his arm, turning him around to face her "We're in this together"

Spike sighed, melting "Fine, but I still wear the trousers in this relationship"

"Okay," Buffy nodded, smiling "From now on I'm skirt girl. Spike...there's something I want to do..."

He gave her a leer "What happened to 'you wish'. Knew you couldn't go without me for long, pet"

She smacked his arm "Not that"

"Ow, watch the super strength," He pouted "What then?"

Buffy reached up and tentatively placed her hand on his chest. There beneath the material of his T-shirt she could feel his warm skin radiating through, and the pounding of his heart.

She smiled.


	10. Sight

Buffy placed the last of the food into Spike's fridge and turned to watch him. He sat on the floor, back leaning against the couch as he played X Men: Wolverine's Revenge. He kept squinting and Wolverine wasn't faring too well on screen, getting slashed to ribbons without Spike even realising it. The ex-vampire cursed and threw the control down on the floor in frustration.

She cleared her throat. He paid no attention, waving his hands at the screen and cursing some more.

"I got something else for you, at the drug store" She announced.

Spike glanced at her, then turned back to the screen "That's nice. What is it? A joint? I could really go for one of those now"

"No," She said walking up to him slowly "It's something you need way more then bad, naughty drugs"

Spike stood slowly, stretching his joints out "You bought me a hooker?"

"Ugh, gross" Buffy slapped him on the shoulder but gently "No! No drugs, no hookers, and no rock and roll before you ask"

"Well, then I doubt it's going to be much fun"

"It's not fun. It's a necessity"

Spike pouted "I'm not liking where this is headed"

Buffy picked up a bag from the floor and tipped the contents onto the coffee table. Spike looked down at the many pairs of glasses strewn across the tabletop and shook his head. He took a step away as if they were hazardous.

"No, I don't _need_ glasses" He protested "This is probably just some temporary side effect of becoming human"

She shook her head "I don't think so. Angel said that –"

"Oh, well, I knew it wouldn't take long before _he_ was brought up" He snorted wandering into the kitchen and looking around for something "Well, I get it. The bloke is so superior to me; he's got perfect vision straight away. Ooh eee"

Buffy folded her arms "As I was saying, he said you wore glasses when you were human"

Spike's spine straightened, he paused a moment, before picking up a box of cigarettes and turning around to face her "Ponce doesn't know what he's talking about"

"Spike, you need glasses. It's nothing to be ashamed of," She informed him gesturing to the wide range of spectacles "I mean Giles wears them"

Spike glowered at her.

"Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best example. Okay, let me think, who's sexy that wears glasses..." Her pause went on too long.

"No one! You can't think of anyone because there is _no one_" Spike huffed, pulled out a cigarette and placed it in his mouth.

"No, it's just I can't think right now. I _am_ Buffy remember?" Her eyes narrowed "You are _not_ smoking"

Spike looked appalled "What? This is my house. I'll do what I damn well please"

She stormed up to him and yanked the offending item from his mouth "That has nothing to do with it. You're human now, and I am not letting you do anything to shorten your life expectancy"

"Oi! Sod off!" Spike took a swipe at her, trying to grab the cigarette "Not fair using Slayer speed!"

Buffy shook her head as she danced away "Not. Just regular old Buffy speed"

His shoulder slumped "Great. Now I'm slower than a girl"

Buffy reached out and grabbed his hand, dragging him out of the kitchen area and back to the lounge she shoved him on to the couch and then sat next to him. Randomly, she picked the first pair of glasses she came to. They were big.

"Put those on me and die, Slayer" He warned.

She shrugged and tossed that pair away, picking up another. These ones were much smaller and stylish, with a thick black frame. She lunged at Spike before he could stop her and placed them on the bridge of his nose. Pulling back, she looked him over as he blinked. She couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her mouth. Spike's eyes looked about ten times too big for his face.

He ripped the glasses from his face and stood up "That's it! No more of this bloody charade. Bitch"

Buffy stood up and grabbed his hand "Oh, stop it. You're such a baby. Those glasses just made you look like Mr. Magoo. The prescription was too high. Now, come on"

She yanked him back down again and they went through the selective process of glasses-finding again. It took them almost half an hour to sort through all of the choices until they came up with the three best pairs. Then it was a process of elimination on the ones which Spike thought looked too 'poncy' and a pair that Buffy said made him look like Giles. Then there was only one pair remaining.

Spike slipped the glasses on again, blinking and looked into Buffy's compact mirror "I don't know. I'd rather be blind"

"No, you wouldn't," Buffy took his face in her hands and turned him around to face her "Aren't you glad you can see my gorgeous face again? Besides, you know what? I kinda like 'em"

Spike raised an eyebrow "You kind of liked Angel. We both know you have no taste"

"Uh!" Buffy looked shocked "Actually, you're right. I mean, I _did_ sleep with you"

Spike smirked but it quickly faded as he reached his hand up and cupped the side of her face. Buffy smiled at the feeling of his warm skin. It was still a novelty to her, and to him, she guessed. She leaned in to kiss him but he jumped up before she even got anywhere close.

"Thirsty" Spike murmured to himself and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

Buffy frowned. It wasn't like Spike to pass up on smooching time. She was about to ask him if anything was wrong when her cell phone rang. Sighing, she pulled it out of her pocket and answered it.

"Yes?"

"Buffy," came the staunch British voice from the other end "It's Wesley. We have a slight problem here at Wolfram and Hart, and are in need of your assistance"

She glanced at Spike "Can it wait?"

"No, not really. We have a pack of rabid demons eating people. They've devoured most of the security detail"

"Oh," Her eyes widened "I'll be right there"

"Thank you" Wesley hung up.

Buffy stood and placed the phone back in her pants. She grabbed up her jacket and slipped it on. Spike looked at her questioningly, sipping a can of coke and wincing at the taste.

"Trouble at Wolfram and Hart," Buffy explained "I've gotta go help out. Hmm, there's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say. I'll be back soon"

Spike held his hand out as she started for the door "You're not leavin' me here. I'm going with you. Sounds like they can use all the hands they can get"

She shook her head "No, I'm not risking you"

"I wasn't asking permission, love" Spike said putting the can down and striding up to her.

Buffy stopped him by placing her hands on his chest "No. You can't"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because! You only woke up from a frickin' coma a few hours ago! Not to mention you're all beat up. Please, Spike. Just stay here. Do it for me" She pleaded.

Spike scowled "Fine. You go off and play superhero. I'll stay here and keep house"

"Don't be like –"

"Just go," He slumped onto the couch "You have people to save"

Buffy sighed, giving him one last look before she left.

--------------------------

Spike pulled out his pack of cigarettes, pulling one out and placing it in his mouth. He lit it up and inhaled. The coughs that racked his body were juvenile and embarrassing. Luckily, he was alone.

"Oh, yeah that's the stuff" He muttered unconvincingly, yanking the ridiculous glasses from his face and tossing them away "In your face, Slayer"

This was followed by another hocking cough.


	11. Mislead

By the time Buffy got to Wolfram and Hart the foyer was littering with bodies. She hadn't been back since she'd set off the bomb that had caused Angel and Spike's miraculous transformation. It looked much the same. Except fro the bodies of course. She walked slowly, stepping over the dead. She didn't have a weapon, which was stupid, but she figured time was of the essence. Besides, sometimes it was good to get in a little hand to hand combat.

A large demon rounded the corner and, seeing her, screeched it's head off running at her full-speed. _Maybe a weapon would be good now_. Buffy side-stepped it and stuck out her foot, it tripped over and fell flat on it's face. She jumped on it's back, grabbed it's head and snapped it's thick neck easily.

She stood and looked over the carnage of the law firm. Everything was eerily quiet. She hoped Wesley and the rest of Angel's gang were all right.

Deciding they must be upstairs she jogged to the stairwell and pulled the door open. As she ascended the stairs she could hear faint sounds of fighting and speeded up. Buffy slammed into a set of doors bursting onto an upper level floor.

Demons were rampaging, tearing off people's heads and generally being not friendly. Wesley was giving as good as he got, taking swipes at one of them with a sword. Illyria was just ripping the demons apart with her bare hands. Buffy had to admire strength like that, as well as be afraid of it.

"Buffy!" Lorne smiled, huddled under a receptionists desk "Boy, are we glad to see you!"

She nodded, barely acknowledging his greeting. Her mind was on the fight. She ran over to Wesley kicking the demon he was fighting in the back, sending it careening onto Wesley's sword point. The ex-Watcher let the carcass fall to the floor before yanking out the weapon.

"Here" He handed her the sword.

Buffy took it, testing the weight "What about you?"

Wesley withdrew two hand-held guns from his waistband "I'll be alright"

Buffy turned and came face to chest with a demon. She swung at it, slicing through flesh like butter. It growled, smacking the weapon from her hands.

"Oh, damn" She grunted "I just got that!"

"Slayer!" The demon grabbed her by the throat and hoisted her off the floor, roaring "Where is he! Where have you hidden him?"

Buffy's eyes bugged out "Wha...who?"

"The vampire!" The demon tossed her into a wall "The vampire with a soul!"

The Slayer tumbled to the floor, a sharp pain running up her back. The demon approached, it's eyes pools of black, unemotional. She had thought it's skin was black but upon closer inspection she saw it was a dark red. The colour of blood. It's body was muscled, chest broad, legs sturdy. It would have made the finals for Mr. Demon Bodybuilder, that was for sure.

He was after Angel, he had to be. That's why he'd come to Wolfram and Hart. Maybe they didn't know that Angel was human now. Maybe they didn't care.

She started to get up, but it took longer than it should have. Her body was bruised severely. She lifted her hands up defensively and the demon just looked at her like _that all you got?_

Illyria stepped up next to Buffy "You move slowly. I do not see what they think is so special about you"

"Thanks." Buffy replied sourly "Are you just gonna stand here or are you gonna give me a hand?"

The ex-god looked at her hand, perturbed "I have none spare to give"

"Oh, for god's sake! Kill the demon, already!"

Illyria reached out and grabbed the demon by the neck, she jerked her hand to the side and the neck cracked loudly "If you required assistance, you should have reported so"

Buffy rolled her eyes "Thanks for the help"

"I expended very little energy on it"

"I noticed. That's some nice neck cracking you got going on"

Illyria tilted her head "There is a certain skill to it"

"Well, I'm humbled, really," She replied "My neck breaking is sloppy and amateurish in comparison"

"Uh, ladies!" Gunn called as he was being hauled around in the air by a demon "It's nice that you're bonding, but a little help for a brother would be nice!"

Buffy grabbed up her discarded sword and charged at the demon, impaling it in the ass. The demon turned it's head to look over it's shoulder.

"That's my butt!" The demon cried "What kind of sissy girl are you?"

The Slayer shrugged "I guess I just thought you'd be the kind of demon who likes it in the ass"

"Human bitch!"

The demon threw Gunn to the floor and jumped at Buffy, the sword still lodged in it's backside. They fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs, Buffy stuck beneath the great thing. She slapped it around the face. The looks of shock from the demon would have been enough to make her laugh, had her life not been on the line. It grabbed her around the neck, throttling her.

"We will find him! We have sent many warriors. It's only a matter of time!" The demon announced, followed by a typically evil laugh.

"Hey, Chuckles," Gunn called, yanking the sword out of the demons butt "How's _this_ phallic metaphor, for ya?"

He stabbed the sword through the demons back and into it's heart. The point came out the other side and scraped against Buffy's chest. The demon bucked up, gagging. Gunn withdrew the sword and the huge beast fell on top of Buffy knocking the wind out of her.

Gunn looked at the bloodied sword, and then cocked his head "Did I really just say 'phallic metaphor'?"

"Little help here!" Buffy wheezed trying to push the demon off.

Illyria grabbed the limp arm of the body and hauled it off of her, tossing it away like garbage. Buffy was more than a little stunned when the blue-demon offered her her hand. The Slayer paused a moment then took it. She let the ex-god haul her to her feet then quickly let go, looking around.

The floor was filled with demon and human bodies, but none of the demons were left standing.

Wesley walked up to the group, holstering his guns "Good work, everybody. Now if we could only stop these constant demon attacks we might get somewhere"

"Yeah, 'cos frankly having to dry-clean my stellar duds every week is havoc on my bank balance," Gunn agreed "Yo', Lorne. It's all clear"

The karaoke singing demon stood up smiling "Oh, good. I was getting a cramp"

"Guys," Buffy said commanding attention "They said they were looking for the vampire with a soul?"

"Angel?"

"We must assume so," Wesley pulled out his cell phone "I'll call the hospital"

Gunn adjusted his tie "I wonder what's up with the bug-uglies. They seem to real battle-happy all of a sudden"

"Maybe they've found out that Angel's human. Makes him weaker" Lorne suggested.

Illyria looked at the bodies all around them "Then why would they still refer to him as the vampire with a soul?"

"Force of habit?" Buffy offered "'The human with the spiky hair' doesn't have so much of a ring to it"

Wesley hung up the phone "There's been no disturbances at the hospital"

"Well, then doesn't that only leave one possibility..." Gunn frowned.

Buffy's eyes widened "Spike"

Spike found that daytime TV was extremely boring. He had known that before, of course. Still. A marathon of Sally Jesse Raphael was too much for one bloke to take. He had to go out and get some fresh air, that's what humans were always saying, right? So, Buffy couldn't have a go at him for that. He would just pop over to the shop and buy himself some smokes and booze with the money she had left behind. No harm done.

He stood, grabbed his duster and slid it on pocketing the money simultaneously.

Striding to the door he pulled it open and came to a grinding halt.

A huge demon stood on the other side of it.

"Oh, bollocks"

The fist came out of nowhere, hitting him square in the eye. The pain exploded in his head as he careened backwards through the air. He'd never felt anything as horrifically agonizing in his life. His back and head slammed into the hard wall and he slid to the floor.

The demon's footsteps shook the ground as he approached and Spike slid into unconsciousness.


	12. Dread

Buffy almost fell as she rounded the corner of the corridor. The floors had been recently cleaned and in her haste she nearly created a Slayer Snowball, rolling down the hall. She grabbed the wall and steadied herself before continuing on down the corridor. She'd lost Gunn and Illyria a while back, overtaking them to get to Spike's apartment as soon as possible. They were still following her but she didn't know how far back they were neither did she care. Her only objective was to get to Spike as quickly as possible. Something might have happened to him already. She couldn't think that way, though. He was probably fine. She'd get there in time, she was sure. Spike would be sitting there playing some boring computer game and having a sly cigarette; she'd slap him for smoking and haul him away to safety before any demons could get to him.

It would all be fine.

She skidded to a halt outside the apartment. The door was wide open. A feeling of dread spread throughout her entire body.

Buffy stepped inside, it seemed empty but she called out anyway "Spike?"

There was no answer. She did a quick sweep of the apartment but it was empty. She slumped down onto the couch, afraid. Afraid for Spike. It was possible he had just gone out but then he wouldn't have left the door open and she wouldn't feel this way. She wouldn't feel as if something terrible was about to happen. Maybe had even already happened. He had been taken, she knew it.

"Buffy?" Gunn appeared in the doorway "He's gone?"

Illyria glided in "There is no one present here but us. I detect there has been demonic presence here, recently"

Well, that sealed the deal then.

Buffy stood slowly, looking around "We have to find him"

"No doubt. But how?" Gunn asked her.

------------------------------

Angel watched as Buffy paced his hospital room rapidly. She was on the cell phone, hospital rules be damned, as she had been for the last half an hour. After she had arrived at the hospital to fill them in on what had happened with Spike she'd gone straight into Slayer mode trying to drum up some contacts in L.A that could help her find him.

He had to wonder what the demons had wanted with Spike. They had been looking for the vampire with a soul. All they had gotten was one newly human William the Bloody. Maybe they were going to perform some magick ritual, maybe they just wanted to kill him while he was weak. Angel didn't know, all he could do was speculate like the rest of them.

Dawn walked up to Buffy as she hung up, defeated. They embraced and Angel watched the sheer upset that crossed Buffy's features. She wanted Spike to be safe and with her. He turned and looked at Nina who sat at the end of his bed. Nina was beautiful, she was smart and sexy and he really liked her.

Angel turned back to Buffy and his heart skipped a beat. It was a novelty to him, since his heart had only just recently started beating again.

No one would ever affect him the same way that she did. He felt guilty about feeling this way when he should have been as concerned about Spike as everyone else was. He was worried for the guy. Spike was human now and that meant that he was worth saving. Yet every time he tried to think about some Angel man of action plan, he just fixated on the way the sunlight caught Buffy's hair.

"God, I wish Oz could just track him" Buffy sighed as she pulled away from Dawn.

Her sister nodded "You know what he said. The trail was too cold"

"I know, I know"

Angel cleared his throat, determined to get in gear and help "Well...maybe Willow could help? Do a locator spell or..."

Buffy's eyes widened as she looked at him "Willow! Oh my god, why didn't I think of her before?"

He watched as she frantically dialled a cell phone number. He was glad to have helped. Putting in suggestions, concentrating on the issue at hand. He could do this whole human thing. It was a piece of cake.

"Are we not worried they might come for you too?" Nina asked, taking his hand and squeezing it.

Angel shook his head "No. Wes put extra security on the ward. It's Spike who needs the help now"

"Yeah, I guess," She nodded "I can't imagine what Buffy's going through. I don't want to"

Angel glanced at the Slayer "What do you mean?"

"Her boyfriend's life is on the line and he only just got it back"

Angel gave a small nod and turned back to watch Buffy. Her boyfriend. Spike was her boyfriend. He had known they were together, of course. He had known all too well. When it got to the stage of people referring to Spike as her boyfriend though, it had to be serious. Buffy didn't fall for someone easily and she had fallen for Spike. It hurt his heart. He was with Nina but, still, it hurt.

All he had ever dreamed of for so many years was being able to be with Buffy. The only way that could have happened was if he had risked the curse or been made human. He had wanted the Shanshu so much. Partly just because he wanted to live and partly because he still thought that one day down the line they'd be together again.

If he was honest with himself he still thought that. Just sometimes.

_But sometimes is something..._

"Willow's going to try it now," Buffy announced, and then looked right at him "Thanks, Angel"

Angel smiled.

-------------

Spike didn't feel good at all. Not one bit. Not only did one side of his head feel like it had swollen up to epic proportions but he was pretty sure he wasn't in Kansas anymore, Toto. He was lying flat on his back on a cold stone floor wishing the pounding in his head would go away. He opened his eyes to find darkness. Either he had gone completely blind or there was no light where he was.

He sat up slowly, hand pressed to the side of his head, blinking and looking around. He seemed to be in a building much like the mansion he had once stayed in back in Sunnydale all those years ago. It brought back a few pangs of nostalgia and fear. He'd been taken by a demon, he remembered that now, and he was in no way up for a fight. Spike wasn't even sure he could stand.

"My William," came the chillingly familiar voice from nowhere "back where he belongs"

He looked over his shoulder "Mum?"


	13. Explain

Dawn handed Buffy the cup of coffee from the machine, and the pressed the button to wait for her hot chocolate to fill up. Buffy looked at the coffee and sighed. She wasn't thirsty, she was way too worried to be thirsty but it was good to stretch her legs and get out of that room where Angel and Nina were constantly having couple 'moments'. They acted concerned for Spike but they were really more occupied with each other. Not that she could blame them. Neither of them had cared for Spike much before he was a human, so it stood to reason they wouldn't care now.

The Slayer sat down on a nearby chair and sipped the rank coffee. Willow said she would call Buffy when results of the locator spell presented themselves. Until then she was left to worry and wish she hadn't been such a moron. If she had paid more attention to Spike in the first place, instead of concerning herself with the fact that Angel was human now and that meant no curse, things might have been a lot different. Spike wouldn't have run away, she wouldn't have taken him back to his house and left him alone to be kidnapped. If he had stayed in the hospital, he would have had a much better chance in being safe.

"Buffy," Dawn said softly as she sat down next to her, cup in hand "none of this is your fault. None of it. So, stop blaming yourself. Spike...he'll be alright"

She shook her head "No, vampire Spike would have been alright. The newly human variety? Not so much, Dawn"

Her sister reached over and slid an arm around her shoulders "Even so, he's smart. I mean, we might not give him credit for it, but he is smart"

Buffy agreed with that. Spike was smart, but that didn't mean he could fend off a demon attack. Smart didn't get you anywhere when things were baying for your blood. She didn't want to think that way but her mind wouldn't listen. It kept running off a list of worst-case scenarios. It just seemed a cruel twist of fate that Spike would get his life back only to have it taken from him hours later. God, she hated this world sometimes.

She kept her eyes focused on the coffee in her hands "Know what I regret?"

"What?"

"That...I could never figure out how to love Spike"

Dawn frowned "What'd you mean?"

"Like...even now, when I'm with him...I can't say I love him. With Angel it was so obvious to me, you know? He was my first love. Everything felt right with him. It had to be love. Then it all went wrong. With Spike...I knew him before he was good. I saw him kill first, ask questions later. I knew Angel as Angel, and not Angelus. That's why; after he came back from hell...I could still look at him and love him. But with Spike..."

Dawn nodded "You knew him as an evil vampire first, good guy Spike later"

"Right. And I'm the Slayer. I'm supposed to fight evil, not build a relationship with it," She sighed "and sometimes, even after all he's done – I can't help it – I still feel like Spike is the enemy. Like he's someone I could never love"

"Maybe you're looking at it wrong. Maybe you love Spike but in a different way" Dawn suggested carefully "I mean, he's not that guy anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. Spike...he's way different to Angel. They both have a terrible past, but Spike has to work even more for redemption in your eyes. I think he knows that he has to work harder because when you met he was a different man"

The Slayer nodded "I want to say it. Sometimes I feel the words on my lips, like when he smiles at me, I want to say it but it just doesn't come out. I never even used to think about it before I told Angel I loved him"

"He was your first love, like you said," She reminded her "You're older now; you're a _lot_ more cynical. Stands to reason you question the important things before you blurt them out"

Buffy turned to Dawn "You think I'm cynical?"

Dawn laughed and kissed her sister on the temple "Little bit"

Buffy pouted and was about to reply when her phone started to ring. Instantly, she straightened up, pulling away from Dawn and yanked the phone out, holding it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Buffy, it's me," Willow's voice came grainy down the line "It took me a while, but I got a lock. Something powerful was trying to cloak his location. It kind of reminded me of..."

---------------

"...The First!" Spike spun around "You're The First"

The figure in the shadows laughed amiably. Spike couldn't actually make out if it was trying to impersonate his mother but from what he could see, it had taken on a female form. He stood slowly, his legs weak and shaking. The pain in his face kicked up a notch and he groaned, holding his head. Spike wished he had those awful glasses Buffy had forced him to wear. At least them he might be able to get a better look at it.

"Knew it would only be a matter of time before you resurfaced" Spike spat, swaying slightly.

"Silly William," The soft voice replied "I'm not the source of all evil. Although, I'm flattered you'd think so"

He squared his shoulder "Oh, yeah? So, what – you're my mum back from her dusty grave? Yeah, right"

"I never said I was your mother, either"

"Then what are you?"

It stepped out of the shadows, into a beam of light coming from a high up window. Spike frowned; it wasn't taking on the appearance of his mother at all. Then how had its voice sounded so similar? Instead, a young woman stood before him. Maybe late twenties in age, soft blond hair tumbling around her shoulders, with icy blue eyes and a sharp, chiselled face. Pretty, for a demon or whatever she was. At least from what he could make out from his blurry vision. What kind of demon looked like _that_ anyway? He didn't know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"I'm like you," She replied "Or, at least, I'm what you used to be"

Realisation dawned in him. "A vampire"

"Don't you recognise me?" The vampire tilted her head, smiled "Well, it's been a while and I am older"

He folded his arms, ignoring the throbbing in his head "You know what? I don't have all day. Just tell me your evil plans and let's get on with it, shall we?"

She laughed prettily "You're so different now, William. But I like it. Our kind has to change to survive and I think you'll find I've changed too"

"It's Spike," He growled "And I don't give a chuff what you like, or who you are"

The woman smiled "_Spike_"

The way she said it sent shivers up his spine, there was eroticism to it, like she was reading things into that name.

"I think you'll change your mind when you realise who I am," She glided closer to him.

Spike shrugged "So tell me"

"Alright. You never were one for mystery," The vampire halted in her tracks "were you, big brother?"


	14. Offer

**A/N: Ack, this is SO late it's not even funny, I know. But finally an update. You probably can't remember a damn thing about this story and neither could I, I had to re-read! Sorry!**

"Can't you go any faster?"

Gunn cut off a tart retort and continued to drive like a maniac down the road leading towards the waterfront. Buffy knew she was being annoying as hell but couldn't stop herself. As soon as Willow had told her that it seemed as though The First had a hand in Spike's kidnapping, she'd gone into Super Slayer mode.

Buffy had memorised the address the witch had gave her and then she and Gunn, Oz and Illyria had jumped into the lawyer's car and sped off to save the day. At least, that's what she hoped they were doing. And not just going to collect a body.

She shuddered.

Oz shifted in his seat in the back besides the ex-god. "Are we sure it's this First?"

"No," she replied, eyes glued to the road ahead, "but it's possible. And if it is…then we're in trouble."

Illyria made a snorting sound. "The First Evil is nothing."

"The First Evil _made_ you, lady." Buffy replied.

"Nothing made me. I simply became."

"Uh huh. The old chicken and the egg argument." Gunn added.

Illyria tilted her head. "Are you associating me with livestock, mortal?"

Gunn grinned and even Buffy gave a little smile.

---------------

Spike looked at the vampire "I hate to tell you this, love, but I'm an only child. Case of mistaken identity here."

"No," she shook her head gently. "That is simply what you were led to believe. I suppose a more accurate account of our blood ties is that I am your…step sister, that is what it is called these days?"

He opened and closed his mouth not sure whether he wanted to slap her or just run. If she really thought this kind of trick was going to work on him then she had another thing coming. He took a couple of steps back away from her and she just watched him.

He chuckled harshly. "My mum would _never_ have had a bastard child. Never."

"I never said the bond was on your mother's side."

Spike frowned. She was saying his dad was also her dad? That made no sense. And why had he thought she sounded like his mother? Could it simply have been the soft English accent, kind sounding and not abrasive in the least? He had no idea. He also knew that he had to get the hell out of here, short-sightedness and throbbing head pain be damned.

"Sorry, I never knew my dad. And, uh, if he owes you child benefit payments then I hate to tell you that he died almost two-hundred years ago."

The woman laughed. "Quite the sense of humour. I did not know our father, either. I only have my mother's account of their tryst. You see, she worked for your parents. Keeping house. Attending to them. Your mother never knew about her husband's infidelity and he passed away shortly after I was born."

"That's a really interesting story but –"

"You called her Maggie. She was your nanny," she added. "And we were playmates. You called me –"

"Jane."

She nodded, a slight smile upon her lips. Spike felt like he had had the wind knocked out of him. It had been nearly two hundred years but he remembered a great deal of his life as a human, and he certainly remembered his kindly nanny and her pretty daughter. They had played together up until they were both approaching double figures. At which point, Spike's mum had decided he was old enough to be without a nanny. It had been a sad day when Maggie and Jane had left.

Jane, or the thing pretending to be her, took a step towards him. "Of course, I did not find out about our relation until I was approaching twenty three. It came as quite a shock. What came as even more of a shock was when I returned to London and found out you were feared dead."

"But…" Spike paused, trying to think straight. "…you're a vampire. How…?"

"The traditional way." She smiled. "I made it my mission to track you down – either dead or alive. When I eventually found you, I came to realise you were both. Both dead and yet alive. I saw what you had become…from being a shy, bookish boy to a powerful and sensual man. I wanted that for myself."

Spike's mouth went dry but he managed to croak, "So, you went out and got bit."

"I found a vampire only too willing to do the deed. Especially when he found out it came with extra…perks." Jane murmured, a slight frown appearing on her face.

"Why? Why would you…?"

"Come now, Spike. You know why. I can feel your misery at your newly reacquired humanity. Being a vampire is enriching in so many ways. Stronger, faster, immortal…there is no downside."

He shook his head. "Killing people."

"A pastime you used to revel in."

"Things change."

"Yes, they do. You used to be strong, now you're just one of _them_. An ant. Lesser."

Spike's jaw tightened. "What do you want? Why am I here?"

"I've been monitoring you for some time. Your exploits make for quite the story." Jane smiled broadly and walked around him in a circle. "When I heard of this latest setback I thought I would offer my assistance."

"By having a demon punch the crap out of me and drag me here?"

"Would you have come any other way?"

He snorted. "Not a chance."

"As I thought. I'm offering you a way out. Or, rather, a way in. Back in. I could make you a vampire, again," she said with a dramatic pause.

Spike sighed and rubbed his head. "Lord, save me from crazy vampire bints."

Jane's face turned comically confused "What?"

"You're right. I don't want to be human. I'd rather be a vampire. And you're probably right, I am an ant. I'm sure you could cut me down to size right quick. I'd be an idiot to pass up your offer. But, thing is? There's this girl. A girl I happen to love. And she's happy. She's happy that I'm human. So, I've got to do right by her. I have to give this human thing a chance. I owe her that and more." Spike replied, honestly, looking her in the eyes.

Jane did not answer for a few moments. "The Slayer, I presume?"

Spike nodded. The vampire walked around him slowly and lithely a few more times before she sighed with annoyance and glided towards and into a dark patch of shadows. A moment later and he heard the sound of a door creaking open, light spilling into the room.

He frowned. "You're letting me go?"

Jane emerged implausibly from the other side of the room, far away from the sun light. "I have no desire to take you unwillingly, William. Just know that if you change your mind I will oblige."

Spike looked at her for a few seconds and she smiled warmly. It reminded him of times gone past, of his childhood, and of picnics in the park. He nodded and darted out of the door moments later. As he found himself looking out upon a large body of water he heard a squeal of tires as Buffy and her troops arrived on the scene.

As Buffy jumped out of the car he waved cheerfully at her.


	15. Awkward

"Give us a sec, okay?" Buffy called to Gunn and Oz who stood in Spike's living room, as she closed the door.

Illyria had excused herself a while ago, deciding that if there was no violence to participate in then she had better things to do. The Slayer didn't turn around for a moment, just staring at the bedroom door. To say she had been worried about Spike would have been a massive understatement, and then to see him simply stroll out of that building by the waterfront and _wave_ at her…well it had been both a huge relief and strangely maddening.

His story wasn't all that coherent, either. Something about a long lost sister? It didn't make much sense to her but then she wasn't in the most calm and rational mood. Finally, she turned around to face him. He sat on the corner of his bed, watching her, his face bruised heavily on one side. So much had happened to him in one day it was pretty unbelievable. That was how their lives would always be, she supposed, even if he was human now. Only problem now was that he was infinitely more breakable.

Spike cleared his throat, holding an ice pack to his head. "I'm sorry you were worried."

"I was more than worried, Spike." Buffy sighed, taking a step towards him. "I thought you were dead."

He nodded, slowly, painfully. "Yeah, well, so did I for a while. Turns out the bird just wanted to chat."

"She has an odd way of going about it."

"Yeah." He chuckled, then winced at the sensation it caused.

Buffy pulled a face of sympathy. "What did she want to talk about?"

"Oh, you know…old times. Announcing she was my half sister. That sort of thing." Spike raised his eyebrows. "Not sure how much I believe her."

"I'd say it was weird for this sister to come out of nowhere, but…"

He smiled. "Dawn. Is she…?"

"Fine. Worried about you, too."

"No need. We Brit's are made of tough stuff," he groaned and rubbed his eyes, "still my newly weak human self is begging for sleep. Pathetic, really."

Buffy shook her head and crossed the room towards him. She crouched down on the floor next to him and began unlacing his boots. As she pulled each one off in turn she glanced up to find Spike giving her an odd look. She stood and grabbed the bottom of his T-shirt, intending to pull it up over his head. He grabbed her hands to stop her. "Woah there, Slayer. I said sleep, not any of that funny business."

"You're going to sleep in your clothes?" Buffy asked, a little surprised at his bashfulness.

"Was thinking 'bout it."

"Oh, for god's sake, Spike. I've seen it all before." She tugged hard on his shirt, pulling it up over his head even as he protested.

She tossed the clothing onto the floor and raised her eyebrows as Spike scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. Buffy rolled her eyes but nevertheless reached for his belt buckle. Spike slapped her hands away.

"I can undress myself." He groused.

Buffy nodded, putting her hands on her hips. "Okay. So, do it."

"Some privacy would be nice."

She shook her head and laughed, turning on her heel and leaving the room. After closing the door behind herself she approached Gunn and Oz who were waiting for her to dismiss them. Buffy told them that Spike seemed fine, if not a little bruised, and that she was going to stay and take care of him.

"Ah, of course." Gunn nodded, suggestively. "Take _good_ care of him, Buffy."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Goodbye, boys."

Gunn gave her a goofy thumbs-up and then skedaddled pretty fast when she threatened to hit him. Oz just saluted her and left quietly. That was another thing she liked about the werewolf – he didn't mock. At least not about this kind of thing. The Slayer turned and looked at the bedroom door. She waited a few minutes before knocking, and then entering the room.

Spike was all tucked up in bed, his naked back to her. He glanced over his shoulder at her and then sat up, holding the covers close.

Buffy shifted from foot to foot. "They've gone. But, uh, Wolfram and Hart are sending some guys down here for security. Don't exactly like those guys but having some extra muscle around here might be a good idea."

"Now that I've lost my stones, you mean." Spike replied monotonously.

"You haven't lost any…stones," she chastised, walking slowly up to the bed.

Spike muttered something and then just looked at her for a long while. "What…do you want?"

"Well, I…" Buffy found herself feeling oddly nervous, "…was kind of hoping you'd let me crash. Here, I mean. It's been a long day."

He opened and closed his mouth. "I haven't got anything for you to wear…not to mention I'm sort of naked under here, Slayer."

"That's okay." Buffy smiled sitting down on the edge of the bed.

She noticed how he shifted slightly away from her. Buffy decided the best way to get over this awkward vibe Spike was putting out was to just confront it head on. She shed her jacket and enjoyed the way he didn't take his eyes off of her as she unbuttoned her shirt. Once she was dressed only in her underwear she slid beneath the soft blue comforter and touched him lightly on the side. He didn't pull away, so she let her hand trail across his stomach, feeling the indentations of his muscles. Buffy's lips pressed against his shoulder gently, his warm skin still a novel delight.

"Buffy…" he breathed.

She looked up at his face to see he was looking at her unsteadily. Buffy kissed the line of his jaw, wrapping her arm around him possessively. He reached up carefully, and pushed her hair behind her ear, letting his hand linger against her face for a moment before it dropped.

"It's been a long day, like you said," Spike shifted out of her reach and turned onto his side away from her, "we should sleep."

Buffy looked up at the ceiling and sighed. She guessed the weird vibe wasn't going to go away any time soon, then. Turning to face away from him, Buffy closed her eyes.


End file.
